Monday, August 16, 2010
Getting on with it, not getting over it
Write delete, rewrite delete again.
I've had moments over the last two weeks where I could write for hours as tears have flown. It has felt therapeutic. Then the moment passes and I don't want to share my thoughts. At all, with anyone. And I wonder how much I want to share in the wide open space of the world wide web.
I thought about deleting my previous post and hiding away as my family rallies together to get through this time. Then I want to write everything.
Where, why, how.
I want to write the questions, especially those that can't be answered.
I have no shame in crying, geez I cry watching most TV shows (damn you Chuck Bass). I also have no shame in laughing as we remember stupid things.
I have done a lot of both in the last few days.
But there is a point, after losing a loved one, that you have to start living your life again. Meals have to be cooked, clothes need to be washed and bills have to be paid. Then guilt feels like it is creeping over your grief. There will also be a point at which I will have to slow down and stop keeping myself busy.
I'm sure there will also be a point that I will be able to watch the news without feeling anxious about any reports of car accidents.
Before it affects you the road toll is just numbers. You may think about the tragedy for a moment, but that report is usually followed by a light hearted funny animal story and your thought process has switched. When one of your loved ones is included in that toll it changes everything.
As time goes by things may get easier, there will be less crying in the shower, certain songs will bring smiles rather than tears and memories will come easily rather than trying to force myself to remember moments.
So as all cliches ring through my head it's now time to get on with it.
But we'll never get over it.
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